


Impossible

by Flora (florahart)



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Mpreg, Other, alien demigod asexual mpreg, don't ignore thor's list, for god's sake humor him, no seriously this is crack, thor's house rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-01
Updated: 2012-09-01
Packaged: 2017-11-13 07:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/501038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/Flora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor is a fertility god.  His presence creates circumstances under which he can impregnate other men by proximity.  Everyone but Tony reads the rules.  Tony?  Not so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible

The list appeared on the communal refrigerator the morning after Thor moved in, and he boomingly notified all and sundry of its presence, to please read it carefully in order to avoid inadvertent pregnancy, and ask if any questions came to mind.

Steve read the list carefully.

>   
> How not to accidentally get pregnant whilst living with Thor, compiled with the assistance of Jane  
>  1\. Sprouting plants should be handled with gloves, lest the fertility of the seeds should carry over. If gloves are inconvenient, bitter dandelion tea should be drunk twice daily for two weeks in order to ensure one's fertility is depressed.  
>  2\. The baking of bread can be a danger if one is not fully dressed. If the feet are bare, the hands must not be, and if the flour alights on more than half the skin, it would be best to shower immediately.  
>  3\. The rind of a tangerine must not be discarded unsalted. This rule is non-negotiable and I have no solution, so I believe it would be best to avoid the purchase of tangerines.  
>  4\. If you must perform yoga, please note that certain series of positions, especially extended sets of shoulder-stands, should be avoided (please ask if this is likely to be an issue for you, and as I wish to be a considerate housemate, we can work out a schedule for my absence if necessary)  
>  5\. If four people share the couch with me at one time, any one of them may become pregnant six times in one hundred; if a fifth person joins in, all are safe.  
>  6\. Drinking and laughing together are time-honored ways to procreate; however, as long as spicy food is ingested, nothing unexpected will happen. At least, not because of me.  
>  7\. Reading whilst lying belly-first on the floor should be safe, except on Tuesday evenings and the mornings after full moons.  
>  8\. If you are awakened by the licking of a kitten to your eyelids, you must smear your nether regions with the liver of a duck and relocate the cat to another room while the solution soaks in for half of one hour.  
>  9\. The wearing of the thong is something of a mystery to me, but I have no complaint should you choose to clothe yourself thusly. However, the wearing of a thong covered in wee hearts is to be avoided.  
>  10\. I hesitate to include this one as it seems unlikely to come up unless Tony Stark decrees it, but the indoor wrestling of the hippopotamus guaranteed conception.  
> 

Steve tapped the list as Natasha came in. "The yoga and reading ones might be important to you."

Natasha read the list for herself, shrugged, and conveyed the information to Clint, who laughed and sent Coulson in to read it for himself. Hippopotamus wrestling? Seriously? But hey, no harm in humoring Thor, right?

Bruce penciled in a request for an hour three times a week that would be yoga-safe, and noted that probably getting knocked up would seriously disturb his calm.

Tony circled item ten late that night when he came up from the lab, and wrote in sharp heavy pencil, "ON IT."

Of course, he wasn't actually on it; it was just that it was a little insulting to think he'd go right for the obvious one. 

Instead, he spent half the night arranging for a shipment of fresh tangerines to a deli down the street and then ordered two for himself to be brought in fresh each morning in his own goddamn house. He checked the calendar and made a note--in pencil, again, because JARVIS was a traitorous bastard-- of the next full moon. He dropped an onion and a potato into some damp potting soil--fuck if _he_ knew how to grow a plant or make it sprout, but he'd seen those sprout by themselves before, right? Then he walked down the street the next morning, eating his tangerines and carefully saving the rinds for unsalted disposal at home, and acquired a sweet little black and gray kitten, which he kept in his room and let sleep on his pillow.

Six weeks later, he woke to the licking kitten, stood to make his way to the toilet, pressed his hand to his belly as his mouth watered, and barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up. 

When he was finished, he stood, queasy, and stared down at the kitten. "No way. NO fucking WAY."

The kitten looked up at him and mewed.

"It's impossible. Science is on my side, you know."

The kitten hopped up on the toilet seat and watched the swirling water as he flushed, then batted at the hand towel as he brushed his teeth.

"I'm not putting duck liver on my junk, if you're wondering."

The kitten pawed at him, catching a claw in his heart-covered thong (the Thursday one; a guy might as well go all out, right?) and pulling until the band snapped back against his belly.

Tony stepped back cautiously toward the toilet, swallowed hard, and managed not to throw up again. He put on boxers and jeans, put the kitten in the common room to play, sat in a chair to read, did not eat the morning's tangerines, and opted against joining Bruce and Natasha for stretching.

Coulson walked in, made coffee, turned around and looked at Tony, and groaned. "We haven't been humoring him, have we?"

"Don't know what you're talking about."

"Stark, you look like shit and you're eating dry toast. JARVIS would have told me if you were drinking heavily--"

"JARVIS is a traitor and a dick. And I'm _fine_."

"And you're wearing a t-shirt that points at your stomach and says _Baby on board_."

"What? I am not." Tony looked down, then looked back up, squinting. "I am not. Very funny."

"Made you look."

"You suck, Phil."

"Not as often as I _want_ him toooo," Clint sing-songed as he walked through toward the coffee. He turned around, grinning. "Mostly because I keep him too busy with--what the hell happened to you?"

" _Phil_ thinks I've broken one too many of Thor's rules."

Clint swiped a tangerine off the table. "Have you?"

"All of them, I think. Except the hippo, and the couch was a little hard to arrange for more than two seconds."

Clint ate the tangerine in two bites, salted the rind, and tossed it in the trash. "Well, you know, until a couple of months ago I would have said Norse Gods were definitely not a feature of my life, and here I am. Maybe you better go talk to Thor."

"Yeah, no."

"Your uterus, pal."

Tony grimaced. "I don't have a uterus," he hollered at Clint's back.

Coulson was still looking at him speculatively. "You could ask your suit to run an analysis, you know. Take it off line, keep it private..."

"My suit would tattle to JARVIS is three seconds if there were anything to report, and also there's no need, and also men don't have uteruses."

"Well. Some do, but it is a bit unusual."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Men who both are biologically male and present as men, then. Anyway, get out of my kitchen if you're going to badger me. And leave me some coffee."

Coulson nodded. "Just think about it. Finding out when the suit stopped fitting in a crisis wouldn't be ideal."

Tony flipped him off and went back to his reading. As soon as he was alone, he dumped the coffee because ugh, disgusting. Seriously, what was that smell?

It was only another four weeks before the situation became a crisis--worse than he'd initially imagined, when he'd let himself imagine this was even possible, which he mostly hadn't--and another two before Tony had started avoiding:

  * his lab,
  * Natasha,
  * Coulson, 
  * Thor,
  * JARVIS,
  * mirrors,
  * coffee,
  * reporters,
  * cameras,
and, 
  * oh yeah, everyone.



"Stark, come on. We can all see it," Bruce said, sticking his head in the door to Tony's quarters. "You've gotta let us help you. Or at least help you get a clean look at it."

Tony threw a book at his head.

"Good idea. Provoke me. Also, I had no idea but it turns out the Other Guy is completely besotted with babies, so you can't make him hurt you. Yeah, I don't get it, either."

"There are no babies here."

"How's that working for ya?"

"Perfectly. I've just moved into a phase of my life wherein I like to read. A lot."

"Uh-huh." Bruce went away and left him alone, but left the door ajar, which, naturally, led to Pepper letting herself in. Not that she wouldn't have anyway, but Tony decided to blame Bruce.

"Tony. You can't just hide out in here forever."

Tony bounced a piece of string for the kitten, which rolled onto its back to bat up at it. "Can, actually. Have before, will again, can."

"You're going to have to let someone have a look. Make sure this isn't going to kill you..."

Tony sighed. "Rather not, and that's what the internet is for. I'll figure it out myself. All this palladium and stuff, probably just a tumor. You know, simple slice and dice, and I'll be--"

"It's not a tumor, Tony. It's because Thor--by the way, he feels terrible."

"Why? Not his fault my body is finally cashing in all the checks I've written."

"He feels he didn't warn you carefully enough. He says he knew you to be contrary and should have taken additional precautions."

"Oh, like what, walk around encased in a giant Asgardian condom?"

"That might have been one of his suggestions, more or less. And I gather you do know you're pregnant."

"Little hard to miss, Pep. Probably going to kill me, tumor or not. Got a will to write, bills to pay, inventions to document..."

"Wife to kill and Guilder to blame for it?"

"Yeah, that's about it. Pep, I can't be pregnant. I would be, seriously, the worst parent in the world. They all know it, I know it, they all think I'm a dumbshit for inviting this."

Pepper smiled and sat down. "Well, maybe you should talk to Thor. Maybe he can do something about it. But that's not what anyone's saying."

"What they're thinking, though."

"I doubt it."

"My life, Pep. I know how it works."

"I still think you should talk to Thor."

Tony shook his head. "I'm going to regret this, but send him in."

She went out and into the common room, and everything went quiet.

Then Thor came bursting in. "Tony Stark! You do not wish to remain pregnant?"

"What? No. I didn't. I mean. What? You made that whole list, but now it's optional? I don't... Thor, use small words, okay? Coffee makes me sick and I am a thirty-year junkie on the stuff and now there's a lump the size of a softball under my ribcage and what the hell, man?"

Thor nodded. "I see. I believe I was not clear enough, with my list. However, should you wish to discontinue the pregnancy, I can of course transfer the fetus to my own body. It is only fair."

Tony stared. "You want to be the knocked up one instead?"

"Want? Not so. However, you clearly do not, and it was my presence that allowed you to become, as you say, knocked up."

"But you think the ...baby. Should be born? Even though it's mine? You don't think it'll be an alcoholic smartass with a self-destructive streak _and_ be a demigod which pretty much makes for, I don't know, worst idea ever?"

Thor laughed. "Oh, Tony. Had I feared any resulting child would somehow be a bad or evil one, I would have removed myself from your home before taking any chance. If you want the child not, you have only to say, and I will remove it from you."

Tony blinked. "Oh. Um, no, actually, if it's okay, I think...is this offer a standing one? I mean, my girlish figure is important to me, right?"

Thor snorted. "You have only to say the word. There will come a time when moving the child would be a danger to it and to you, but by then the time to wait will be short, and I will be with you."

"We'll all be with you, you complete dumbass," Clint said from the doorway. "God. Like being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist makes you unfit?"

"Kind of. A little."

"Yeah, well we're all superheroes, and we think you'll be fine. Now come on. There's a situation in Central Park, and if you can't fly the suit, the least you can do is help us watch the cameras."

**Author's Note:**

> initially posted [at the kinkmeme](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/9218.html?thread=20146178) and edited slghtly since.


End file.
